The gift of being an insatiable seeker is gaining self-awareness. Stagnant in my psyche, as a collection of wise neurons in my brain, cognizance on its own is an unwrapped present. I am conscious of the glossy paper, the artistic bow, and the perfect symmetry of the box. As I observe I imagine what it might be. Will it be beautiful? A disappointment? Life-changing? Or clutter, that I wish I never had because now I want to get rid of it. And I don’t know how or where to put it. I can’t return it.
If we are curious and courageous there may be a point in our lives where the discomfort of our patterns and mindsets drive us to search for a deeper level of self-knowledge. We hold on to the notion that understanding will bring relief, create change. We meander through the self-help section in the book store. Surf sites of enlightenment on Dr. Google. Some may take the brave leap into therapy. We read, listen, and notice. And perhaps say things out loud for the first time.
In the early years of my recovery, I was advised to delve into my behaviour patterns and actions. I sought guidance and support in being fearless and honest. And learned how to name and experience feelings I had numbed through addictive behaviours for most of my life.
The raw revelations about my mind and body were often overwhelming. For a long time my realizations were a curse. An uncomfortable burden of clarity. I was in a state of repetitive inertia as I sat, stuck in the knowing.
The risk of staying too long as the observer is in the unconscious decision not to act. Not to change. Not to do the hard stuff. We can only coast if we are going downhill. A metaphor that led me to action.
The burden of busy, the addiction to consumption, and the access to 24/7 information can fill our days and dull our mind and body. Sadly for most, it feels comfortable and normal. Only when the distractions are stripped away is there an opportunity to examine the message and sensations from your mind and body. Tuning into my “felt sense” was a voyage of delicate discovery. One that opened the door to choices that had once been inconceivable to me.
It seems that when I feel threatened, anxious or fearful, my heart rate increases, my throat tightens, and my capacity for rational thinking evaporates. All in a split second. As this was so often a natural state for me, I blindly reacted, numbed or fled. The endowment afforded by insight is in the ability to pause. It’s in the treasure of choice. It’s in the current of empowerment to respond thoughtfully.
As I acknowledge my markings of insecurities that create the signals in my body and the corrupted chatter in my brain, I strive to no longer nurture them. Or avoid them. They are circuit breakers from my past that require disconnection. Old wiring. Dangerous. Flammable.
The box unwrapped contains nuggets of information and self-realization. The decision to take them out of the box and use them for growth and evolution is difficult and challenging. It is said that if you are pained by your shortcomings, then you are a seeker. If you take action, you are a warrior – choosing pain to take you out of pain. Denial can camouflage, act as a temporary remedy. In my case, it worked for several years until my physical body and brain messaging banded together and took me down. I could no longer outperform them.
I am now a seeker. And an energetic warrior. I know this is the path to my peace and power.
At least, that is my experience.